I’ve been a fan of Star Trek since it aired in the 1960’s. One episode that has stuck with me is from Star Trek 2^nd Generation, when a Borg, a dangerous species of cybernetic drone-like humans, was found at a crash site and brought onto the Starship Enterprise. When he awoke in Sick Bay, he called himself drone Three of Five, part of the Borg Collective. During the show Chief Engineer Geordi La Forge unexpectedly bonded with him, named him Hugh, and helped him embrace his human individuality.  

Eventually Hugh decided to return to the Borg ship to protect the Enterprise. He was taken to the crash site where the Borg reclaimed him and beamed (transported) him to their ship. At the last moment before dematerializing, Hugh turned and gave Geordi, who was watching from a distance, a lingering, parting glance. It was the first time he’d looked directly at Geordi. That silent look acknowledged his deep connection to his friend.

Why does that momentary look touch me? Check out this partly reworded verse (sorry, John Newton) from the song Amazing Grace.

I once was Borg, but now am free,
           Was blind, but now I see

Do you get it? Hugh changes from a subjugated, blind-to-himself creature to a freed individual. His new self-awareness allowed him to recognize, to see Geordi as an individual and eventually as a friend. The seeing was a visual recognition of Geordi but it also expressed a warmth as their relationship ended.

I find the ability of eyes to express our inner, hidden self, astonishing. This paragraph from an article ‘What do your eyes say about you?’ by Lara Spiller helps express my feeling. “Our eyes are more than just organs for vision; they are a reflection of our inner world. They can communicate our emotions, personality, physical and mental well-being, and engagement interest levels. They are a powerful tool in social interactions, providing nonverbal cues that can influence how others perceive us.” 

Honestly, I found the 30 seconds of being eye-to-eye challenging.

We humans have a rich palette available to express all aspects of ourselves with our senses – sound, movement, touch, smell, tastes. Yet in some ways, the eyes have them beat. Think of a close relationship and a moment you remember when you saw their look, their eyes revealing a mix of emotions: your parents teary eyes as you left for college, a friend’s torn look when you won an award they wanted, the hardened eyes from a distrustful co-worker, a child’s glare when they’re upset with you. A wide range of looks, unique to each person, but loaded with feelings. For sure, the whole face and posture expresses the feelings, but the eyes are the focused center.

I learned a short exercise that provides a way to potentially add depth to a relationship by ‘seeing’ each other in a new way. You need a few minutes with a close friend or spouse and a quiet place. You start with each person sharing their top wants and needs (I need space today, I want time with you, I need help with the kids, my day’s crammed and I’m exhausted). The other person attentively listens without responding (no fixing). Then you spend 30 seconds quietly looking directly into each other’s eyes, ending by reciting a short verse or prayer together.

This may seem straightforward, but consider how long you typically hold someone’s eyes when you are chatting. My wife and I did this exercise in the mornings for a while, but busy schedules soon eroded away our time. Honestly, I found the 30 seconds of being eye-to-eye challenging. It felt almost too intimate, the seeing, even a small glimpse, of the unmasked person too revealing.

You might think, all that from just a few minutes of talk and staring at each other? I would say, give it a try a few times; your reaction may surprise you. It may also help you see your significant other in a new, deeper way.

I suspect the director of that Star Trek episode would understand the looking part of this exercise. They made sure to add Hugh’s few second glance, knowing the viewers would see the personal connection that it portrayed.